And so we’re at the start of another New Year. Can’t fathom how. Most of us are still stuck in 2019 wondering where the hell the last three years vanished to. Oh, yeah, that.
I can’t say it’s been a happy new year, Christmas was subdued, though I was glad to have a bit of time off. There are a lot of Bad Things that happened in 2022, particularly towards the end of the year and they are following me through this year. It’s uncomfortable and suffocating. As someone who compartmentalises in order to get through what needs to be done, it’s a struggle not to keep joining the dots between all the problems and lying awake at night wondering why I’m in this situation. Of all the choices I’ve ever made in my life, why is it like this now – what did I do wrong or not do right to end up here. As someone who tries to avoid dwelling in feelings… I’m feeling a lot.
There are patterns and cycles with certain issues. I’m striving to be better at recognising and changing my reactions and responses to them – but it’s hard. When/If I mention to anyone that I’m struggling, it’s always turned back on me and they remind me I made the choice to do X, and I wanted to do Y. Never any conscious support of, yeah it’s a struggle but you’ve done X AND Y before successfully, stop doubting yourself.
I’ve health issues that are unavoidable now, I need help with one – but that’s sometimes the scariest part. Another, I can only wait. And it’s terrifying. I will sink into a black hole if I think about it too much, so I’ve avoided dwelling on it while I wait. But then I need certain people to be aware, to have time and space to deal with it. Until that support is ripped away as well.
This week is going to be hard and bittersweet. But I’m bitter too. I don’t deal well with sudden change, even worse with sudden change then developing into slow, gradual change. Perhaps I’ve healed from the shock of this, or because I’ve been treated badly during the course of the change that I now welcome what’s to come. One of my main principles to live by is to never go back. Sure I can look back and question my choices, but we should always be looking to move onwards… I just hate when I didn’t get the choice. Though re-reading the top of this post, maybe my own choices haven’t always been the best.
I hate failing people. I spent too many years being a people-pleaser and getting nothing done for myself, but now I can’t talk about anything deep. Too many times of opening up to people only to have them freak out and reject me for having done so. I can’t be that exposed again, yet when dealing with so many things that keep me awake at night. How do you let anyone in just enough for them to be aware, without the floodgates opening and drowning you both?